Dear Annie: What do you think about friends who give gifts such as thrift store items or items that they no longer want in their homes? I have one friend who gives thrift store items to me as gifts. They are almost always cracked or chipped with the thrift store tag still on them and wrapped in used tissue paper.

Then I have another friend who gives me gifts from "buy one get one free" sales such as hand soap and candles. I, on the other hand, always buy them nice, thoughtful gifts for special occasions. I take pride in picking out things that I think they will like and wrapping them nicely. These ladies are well off financially and have no reason to give me used items. I know that they say it is the thought that counts, but I feel that there is no thought in these gifts. — Cheap or Just Thoughtless

Dear Cheap or Just Thoughtless: Gift-giving is only one way to show appreciation, and people attach wildly different meanings to it. You clearly put real care into yours. That's a lovely trait, but it doesn't make your way the standard that everyone else has failed to meet.

In your friends' circles, a candle or a thrift store find may be a perfectly respectable present. And a good thrift store gift can take more effort than a trip to the mall, since someone has to dig through many chipped teapots to find the one worth giving.

Keep giving the way you like to give. Just stop keeping score, and let the friendships, rather than the wrapping, tell you where you stand.

Dear Annie: My mother is 81. In the past year, the signs of aging have become hard to miss. She is forgetful and slow-moving. She used to be a neat freak; now her kitchen is piling up with trash and dirty dishes.

She lives alone and my two sisters and I worry about her constantly. We agree she needs a caregiver, but we all work full time and have children of our own, so I've been researching resources that might help.

The trouble is money. One sister wants to split the cost three ways. The other says that's unfair, since her husband was recently laid off, and suggests we pay according to income. Because I live the closest, I'm also the one making the calls, and I'm starting to think my time should count for something. Every discussion ends in frustration and no plan. — Tired in the Middle

Dear Tired in the Middle: Constant worry about a parent is exhausting. Before anyone divides anything, find out what your mother can contribute. Her savings may cover more than you expect, and your local Area Agency on Aging or elder law attorney can help tell you what assistance she might qualify for.

Have her go to the doctor, too. Memory trouble can have more than one cause, and some are treatable.

As for your sisters, if you're waiting for perfect agreement, you'll be waiting a long time. You're the one who has been doing the research, so for the next conversation, bring a concrete proposal instead of gearing up for another debate. Decide what you can give in terms of money and time, and say plainly what you need from them. You can always revisit the plan as needs and finances change.

"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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